Focus on the Family: Husband may have gambling issue
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Q: For years my husband has enjoyed a weekly poker night with his friends.
During the pandemic he got into online betting; now I’m concerned that he’s turning into a compulsive gambler. He says I’m worried about nothing. How can I be sure?
Jim: While it sounds trite to say it, your husband may be in denial. Dr. Robert Custer, a trailblazer in the field of gambling addiction treatment, identifies denial as “refusing to acknowledge something to oneself (leading) to actually believing that there is no danger at all.” It’s a common mindset among those who struggle with gambling addiction.
Unfortunately, denial can affect others around the addict. Loved ones may subconsciously use it to explain away, minimize or rationalize destructive behavior.
This being the case, I’d recommend that you first take an honest look at yourself.
If you have been enabling a troublesome pattern in some way, you’re going to have to change your approach in order to help your spouse.
If, upon reflection, you’re convinced that your husband’s gambling is compulsive, sit down with him and confront the issue head-on.
Has he placed any limits on his gambling activity, either in terms of money wagered or time invested? Does he gamble as a way to escape from problems? Has he lied to others to conceal the extent of his gambling — or worse, committed any illegal acts to finance the habit?
Depending on the answers to those questions, insist that he consider the possibility that he has a serious problem. Suggest that he seek professional assistance.
If he’s unwilling to listen, enlist the help of an objective third party — a pastor, a relative or a male friend who agrees with your assessment.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.
Q: How can I begin to help my kids break some of the bad screen-time habits that have set in during the COVID-19 lockdowns?
Adam Holz, director, Plugged In: Screen time. Is there a bigger issue that parents are facing these days? My wife and I are dealing with it in our family. And most other families are too.
Screen time was a big issue before the coronavirus. And studies suggest that the amount of time we spend on screens now has perhaps doubled in the last year. That’s a result of many factors: remote learning, being able to connect with friends almost exclusively through screen-based devices, and parents working from home themselves — while not having the mental bandwidth to exercise discipline in this area 24/7.
So, what do we do? Before we deal with our kids’ habits, we need to look at our own. Our children will naturally imitate what we model; thus, we may need to make screen-time adjustments ourselves before taking the next step.
With our kids, that next step should be a concrete and specific one that begins to reclaim lost ground. It might be as simple as no phones at the dinner table. Other suggestions include a tech-free night when the whole family engages in non-screen-related activities. We may also want to re-establish basic boundaries regarding where and when phones can be used, such as limiting use in bedrooms at night. The goal here is to set measurable, achievable goals as a family.
Habits take time to form and time to reshape. A reset in this area won’t happen overnight, and it likely won’t be without setbacks and moments of discouragement as you strive to break some unhealthy patterns and reestablish new ones. But by gradually establishing concrete, specific changes, you can successfully pull back from screen overuse as a family.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.
